Reflections on Friendship
I was bullied at school from when I was around seven until about fourteen, I think. Not many from that time would think that they bullied me, I suspect. Even so, that is what they did. For many different reasons, I did not share any of this with my parents, siblings or any other people who were close to me at the time.
In my youth, I was your stereotypical gay kid and teen who was flamboyant-ish and mostly hung out with the girls. I knew from a very young age that I was different to my peers, and I couldn’t really put words to it, nor could I admit that I was gay as early as eight or nine, although I already knew I was different.
The shaming through the bullying was very effective at the time. The other kids had no issues with telling me what I was: gay. Using it as a slur over helping me to come to terms with that I was different to most people around me. After all, they were just kids, and kids can be mean. I hold nothing against them now. If anything, I see it as a point of growth and it helped me to become who I am today.
When I turned 13, I met Sindre, who became my best friend and, through his awkward gentle kindness, unbeknownst to him, gave me the space to blossom and come out of the closet at fifteen. When I finally came to terms with my sexuality, no one could ever use that against me again, and the bullying stopped. Sindre’s mother was also an incredibly supportive force, as my home life was also very chaotic, which did not help on top of the bullying.
As an adult, I suspect that I’m very lucky, I have a very good group of friends who are there for me, and we can engage in in-depth conversations with each other. You may not be aware of this, but the statistics around adult friendships are getting pretty stark, especially for men.
Aristotle says there are three types of friendships primarily: utility-based, pleasure-based and character-based friendships, and I suppose there is some truth to that.
Here’s my list of what exemplifies a good friend:
Loves you.
Holds space for and encourages your growth and evolution. Wherever that may take you.
Listens without judgement.
Shows an interest in your life by asking questions.
Puts their phone away when you hang out.
Are there for each other.
Prioritise spending time together.
Not afraid of showing vulnerability. In other words, you make each other feel safe.
Check’s your ego (nicely).
Give your constructive feedback.
Back up their words with actions.
Feels comfortable with setting boundaries.
Celebrate your wins without jealousy.
Only gives advice when asked for it.
When you have spent some time apart, it feels like no time has passed.
Stops each other from gossiping.
Can engage in difficult conversations.
Challenge each other intellectually.
Do not shy away from bringing up difficult topics.
Kindly call each other out on their BS.
It is not transactional; in other words, you don’t expect anything in return for good deeds.
You bring out the best in each other.
What’s missing for you? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.
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