Bury the hatchet
Growing up and as adults, many of us go through experiences that are difficult and that have potentially long-lasting traumatic effects on our well-being.
I have had a fair few of them myself. When I was seven, my parents divorced; in my eight year on this planet, my childhood home burnt to the ground, and we ended up homeless for nearly six months. We lived in a hostel with drug dealers and prostitutes. I don’t remember much from that time, but it certainly left its mark.
I was bullied at school for nearly seven years; my mother always struggled to make ends meet financially, and we were kicked out of our home for that reason a few times. There was always a lot of arguing, shouting and uncertainty at home.
And this is not even half of it.
I’m not sharing this to get sympathy or anything of that sort.
I’m sharing this because, on the whole, I’m happy with where I’ve ended up, and I would not be doing what I am right now if I had not gone through those experiences.
We can go through very tough times, and we can survive; we can even thrive. That is difficult to remember when you are in the midst of it, but the strength to persevere is there. Psychologists call it Post Traumatic Growth.
Would I prefer not to have had these experiences? Sure, but I also would not be who I am today. Some of them still haunt me to this day. Do we have to go through harrowing experiences to grow our character? I’m not sure. The world can be a rough place. The danger is that we can become too hard, which does not serve anyone either.
We have to reach a coherent balance between being head and heart-led.
For a long time, I carried a lot of anger and resentment towards my parents and siblings and to an extent, I still do. Even so, I have primarily come to terms with the fact that there are specific experiences I will not reach closure and reconciliation with by talking about it because the capacity to do that does not exist within the other person. Instead, I’m beginning to reach an internal acceptance by directing more compassion towards myself and the people closest to me.
Understanding my parents' upbringing has helped me comprehend why they are the way they are. We are, mostly a product of our circumstances.
So, to have a relationship with them, I have had to bury the hatchet and interact with them with strong boundaries. And that is okay.
I want to have a relationship with them; that is my choice. When I get triggered, I notice it and do my best not to fall into anger because getting angry does not serve anyone any longer.
You can also choose not to have relationships with people who put you through traumatic experiences, and that is okay, too. That is your choice and should be respected.
What is most important is that you do the work to heal because it will impact you in unconscious ways, even if you are unaware of it. I have seen it first-hand, and it is not pretty.
Healing can look like working with a therapist, healer or coach. Or it can look like meditation, journaling and other healing modalities. Do the work to figure out what works for you, as no one will do it for you.
Let go of any victim mentality and set yourself free.
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